Busy woman

#1 – Was he saying I was a man with a vagina?

Snapshots over time. The epic crusade of finding my inner woman.

A couple of decades ago I had no clue what masculine and feminine principles were or why or how they were important for me.

Then I accidentally (?) found out when I went to a body-worker. (That’s a massage therapist with knobs on, btw.) I was hoping a visit would help loosen my back which had the mobility of a mountain.

Anyway, just so you know, body-workers don’t have vanilla candles or pan pipe music. No. They have one faded waterfall picture and they make you lie naked under a white sheet. Waiting. Waiting. I felt more vulnerable than a baby bird.

Didn’t help that my body-worker looked like Colin Firth. Or at least almost-Colin-Firth. Colin Firth with a monobrow and a cute potty tum.

#2 –  Something sharper than a king’s sword.

Snapshots over time. The epic crusade of finding my inner woman. 

So I had to feed my inner woman. Make her stronger. But first I had to find her.

Where are you? Please SMS.

I thought about what that body worker Guantanamo Bay torturer had said, that most of my attention went outside myself and this created my imbalance. My imbalance! I was not a food pyramid. I was not a triangle on the back of a packet that expressed itself in percentages. I was a human. A woman. A busy one. ObviouslyI had a lot to do and a lot to think about: my job (I was a teacher at the time), my relationship (on the edge at the time), my chores, duties, keep fit regime, friendships. Beauty therapy appointments. Lunches. You know. Etcetera.

#3 – The signs were there. What were they saying?

Snapshots over time. The epic crusade of finding my inner woman. 

I got home from almost-Colin-Firth’s place with two feelings wrestling each other like champs in a ring.

One. Frus-tra-tion. The two people helping me become more female were men. Yoda and almost-Colin-Firth. That felt wrong. Badly wrong.com. Feeling number two. Gratitude. My goose bumps were still icy and I felt a little teary. My life was stuck in some kind of grungy cul-de-sac and while eating the froth and chocolate sprinkles from my morning cappuccino I’d been feeling a bit desperate and praying to something and nobody in particular for radical help. Call me impatient, but immediately would really work for me.

Gummy Bears

#4 – I was a think-a-holic. So? Here’s what I think about that.

Snapshots over time. The epic crusade of finding my inner woman. 

My humdrum life had plateaued, which was dull but had fringe benefits, like nothing was too weird. Or too out of control. And I won’t go into it right now, but I had been the go-to girl for weird and out of control. Been there, done that. Enough said.

The other day I saw a chalkboard sign outside my favourite café:

“Relax—everything’s out of control.” 

Dean bag

#5 – I made a secret deal with myself. And I wasn’t going to sabotage it.

Snapshots over time. The epic crusade of finding my inner woman. 

I was in my beanbag, thinking. Of course. When did I ever not think? Answer: only when watching ‘Sex and the City’. Please remember this is a tale from nearly two decades ago. If it was now it would be ‘Game of Thrones’. Obviously.

Anyway, I digress. I wanted to tell you about my big bug-eyed moment. In the future Oprah Winfrey will call this kind of thing an “Aha!” moment. A shooting star shot across my insides and I really got something I hadn’t got before. Let’s see what you make of it.

Sharing Secrets

#6 – I was privy to hearing one of the best-kept secrets. Ever.

Snapshots over time. The epic crusade of finding my inner woman. 

Right now I have to tell you a major, major thing that almost Colin Firth said. Ready? It’s big. I mean big-big.

Not just pretending to be big-big. I mean the bona fide, genuine, real-meal-deal kinda stuff.  I admit I have been holding off telling you this. Not sure why, maybe a trust issue. But anyway, here it is. So was it the second or third time I went to see almost-Colin-Firth? Dunno. Anyway, while elbow-grinding my calf (effing ouch) almost-Colin told me.

“You know, feminine energy has been suppressed for yonks.”